I gave birth 2 months early…

My job requires me to be a listener, and it is something I am really good at—but I am a bad sharer. I am trying to change that.

Working one-to-one with styling clients brings me deep into someone’s very private world, and there’s almost nothing I love more. Inevitably, when we talk about clothes, we talk about everything—emotions, aesthetics, childhood fears, body perceptions, love, relationships, desire, identity, and money. Doing a first styling session is like being on a blind date with a stranger who tells you their darkest secrets immediately (but in the best way). For the process to work, they kind of have to dive right in and be incredibly vulnerable. Asking a simple question like “What’s hard about getting dressed?” lands us in a complex web of circumstances, which so often involve big life changes. We end up talking about every kind of transition—breakups and birthdays, babies, surgeries, a new job, a new city, a diagnosis.

The ironic part is that I have a really hard time being vulnerable and sharing in general. I process things internally and have often been described by friends as “secretive” (which I am not proud of). It is also in contrast with the idea of being a social media influencer, which is my other job. I used to take a weird pride in the fact that I shared on social media nearly every day, but my followers knew very little about me and my personal life. I think it is normal and healthy to draw a boundary with what you share on the internet, but through my pregnancy, I have found that the more I open up, the better I feel.

The urge to become my truest self is profound, and it's my hope that taking you deeper into this birth story and my rocky transition into motherhood will allow you to feel closer to me—which is something I never knew I wanted. I would have loved to read this while I was going through my journey!

Let’s dive in. For context, I did not enjoy being pregnant and shared HERE about starting antidepressants in my third trimester. Emotionally, I struggled, but physically, my pregnancy was a breeze. I was never nauseous, and while I was a little tired, I still worked and exercised and really felt fine. If I hadn’t been trying, I think it would have taken me a while to even know I was pregnant—that’s how normal I felt.

On Friday, May 30th, I had a growth ultrasound at almost 32 weeks. Since I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I had to do a few extra scans, which have all been really positive experiences—I often thought, "How lucky for me that I get to see my baby even more!" That Friday, however, I was told that my baby was “severely growth restricted” and measuring closest to a 28-week-old baby at 32 weeks. While I was gaining weight, the nutrients were not getting to the baby, which they guessed was due to my placenta. Due to this new diagnosis, I was told I would probably give birth closer to 37 weeks and would have to come in 2–3 times a week for them to do Doppler ultrasounds to monitor the baby’s well-being. This felt a little scary but manageable. Because of the diabetes, I was recording everything I ate, so we were able to determine that it was not a lack of calories but likely a problem with the placenta—which felt scary but also gave me a little peace to know it wasn’t anything I was doing wrong.

The next day, Saturday, I started to get a little headache and felt… wrong. I told my husband that if I still felt sick on Sunday, we would go to the hospital. Sunday morning, I was throwing up. My body was letting me know that I needed to get to the hospital. I often get hormonal migraines, and usually, when I am stressed, I will get a headache, so I figured this maybe had to do with the stress of the ultrasound on Friday. I threw on some clothes, and we drove over. At the most, I thought we were going to get IV fluids… not a baby.

I was admitted, and my blood pressure was “dangerously” high. They initially said I had gestational hypertension, but as the blood pressure climbed and they tested my vitals, they let me know that I had severe preeclampsia. While it sounded scary, they said this just meant that I would probably give birth around 34 weeks and would have to be on bed rest and closely monitored. They wanted me to stay Sunday night and through Monday so they could keep monitoring and take my blood pressure every 2 hours. The doctor said it was possible I might have to stay in the hospital two weeks until I hit 34 weeks—but that was unlikely. My husband heard this and immediately took it upon himself to make my room feel a bit more cozy (more on that below!).

Monday came and went, and the blood pressure was still high but no longer at a scary level. They told me I could go home Tuesday afternoon if they stayed manageable. Spoiler alert… it didn’t stay manageable.

On Tuesday at midnight, the OB came into my room to wake me up and said, “We need to deliver this baby NOW.” My blood pressure was high, and the baby’s heart rate was dropping. It was hard to wrap my mind around… I was really worried about the baby, and she said, “We are worried about you. You can have a stroke or seizure. We need to deliver now.” I’m sparing a lot of details but open to sharing if anyone else has preeclampsia and wants to connect or hear more. I had a few friends who knew people who also had preeclampsia (Kim Kardashian had it with North!), so hearing other people’s stories actually really comforted me.

I had an emergency C-section at 1:16 AM on 6/4, and Jack Freddie James was born at 32 weeks, weighing 2 pounds, 14 ounces. (When they delivered my placenta, they found it was abrupted, so we are very lucky all went well. This was the reason he was not gaining weight or getting nutrients.)

I wasn’t able to hold him until two days later. I was finally well enough to go up to the NICU and see my little peanut. But all felt very abstract and surreal (it still kind of does). I had delivered a baby. I didn’t get to hold him or be with him. What just happened? Am I really a mom? Why am I leaving the hospital without my baby? Why does everything feel different but also not?

As much as I disliked being pregnant, it feels really destabilizing that I’m not anymore—and will never be again. I want to have more children but will have to explore other avenues to make that a reality. I keep looking at photos of my bump, longing for it and wondering how much bigger it would have grown. I feel so lucky to have my sweet baby boy, but I also feel so sad. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me before I was ready.

Jack is still in the NICU and is continuing to grow (he is 4 pounds now!!). Nathan and I spend every day there and are being patient while we wait for him to continue to grow and get strong enough to breathe and eat on his own so we can bring him home to his fabulous room.

So, why am I ending this story with links and products? Where the wardrobe is concerned, people tend to underestimate how powerful this tool can be… like they shouldn’t waste their time. I can assure you that, in subtle but substantial ways, these conversations about clothes absolutely do matter. And during transitional times (for example, being thrust into motherhood in such a chaotic and scary way), it is nice to be comforted by nice things—or things that make your life feel easier (or at least more manageable). The days where I feel like myself and feel capable are the days where I am dressed like myself.

I ended up being in the hospital for a week so I feel like I have the intel on what you actually need. I was not able to pack a hospital bag but my husband was amazing and truly created an amazing set up. As scared and uncomfortable as I was, having some little luxuries made me feel a bit better.

(1) PARACHUTE PILLOWS

Nathan brought my pillows from home which was another game changing idea. I recognize that most people that give birth are only in the hospital for a few days but if you are there longer… I highly recommend bringing your own pillows and blanket.

(2) TRUE BOTANICALS NUTRIENT MIST

I have this in my purse at all times so I actually had it with me when I was admitted and it ended up being such an MVP. A little spritz made me feel fresh when I absolutely was not.

(3) CROWN AFFAIR SHAMPOO + CONDITIONER

It’s my favorite and it felt so good to have my actual shower products in the hospital.

(4) NECESSAIRE MINIS

I was able to take a total of 2 showers during the week but having nice products made a really big difference in the experience. Even though I was disgusting, the NICU nurse kept saying that I smelled nice and I credit this deodorant! I reapplied it a lot… why did no one tell me that postpartum you are the sweatiest person on earth?!

Promo Code: ALLISON - 10% off for new Necessaire customers

(5) KASSATEX SLIPPERS

I actually didn’t have slippers and just wore my flip flops that I wore into the hospital that Sunday. But I wish I would have had them!!

(6) PAUME HAND AND BODY CLEANSING WIPES

I wasn’t able to stand up for two days so I used these wipes for my armpits. Its gross but it would have been grosser if I didn’t have these, trust me…

(7) VITRUVI DIFFUSER

This was a wild card and I credit Nathan for this genius idea. He went and bought a diffuser and our room smelled amazing and felt calm. The nurses all loved it and since we were there so long the entire unit smelled like a spa.

(8) TEKLA ROBE

I love Tekla pajamas, boxer shorts, and robes.

(9) OUAI DETANGLER

I use this in real life too but since I have thin hair and was not brushing it or showering… this ended up being my savior. I sprayed it before AND after the shower.

My situation is sort of unique in the sense that I have to travel to the hospital everyday… so I have to actually get dressed to be in public….Every. Single. Day. It has been kind of challenging but I have found a few pieces that really work!!!!

(1) JENNI KAYNE CREWNECK SWEATER

I don’t have this exact sweater but I have a similar one and I wear it with boxer shorts or white cotton shorts!

(2) ANCIENT GREEK SANDALS SLIPPERS

I have worn these every day and find them really comfortable!!

(3) ELVIE PUMP

Since I am at the hospital every day I am pumping on the go. I really have liked this pump and I can use in the car when I travel and when I am sitting with Jack. I also have been rewatching Vanderpump Rules from the start while I pump and its such a treat. I forgot how amazing season one is!

(4) AESOP SPRAY DEODARANT

Again, I have never sweat so much in my life. I keep this in my bag and spray it throughout the day!!

(5) MERLETTE DRESS

The incision was really painful after my C-section so I wanted really breezy things that floated away from the body. It also has buttons at the top so I can pull it down to pump and do skin to skin at the hospital without getting fully naked.

(6) MATTEAU TOP

I throw this one with shorts or linen pants! I often just want to wear sweats but things like this make me feel really good. It really does make a difference for me.

(7) BYHEART ANYWHERE PACK

I also added these to my cart as well to throw in my (very chic.. if I do say so myself) diaper bag. To me, this is a genius move. Having these packs will ensure I can feed Jack anywhere and I feel good knowing this has intentionally chosen ingredients and I won’t have to scramble or settle.

(8) BALENCIAGA BAG

I splurged on this as a diaper bag. Since I haven’t been able to use it as that, I have used it to bring my pump and computer to the hospital. My honest review is that it is a little heavy and awkward to carry with a laptop in it but I think once I have diapers and stuff in it, it will be better.

(9) ENZA COSTA PANTS

Enza Costa pants were my pregnancy MVP and I have been relying a lot on them now as well. They are comfortable and easy and I throw them on with a t-shirt and my pendant necklace.

(10) GAP SWEATSHIRT

This is the grey sweatshirt I have been wearing! I went up a few sizes so it is nice and baggy!

(11) IF ONLY IF NIGHTGOWNS

One of my BFF’s recommended these for postpartum and they have been amazing. I sleep in them and wear them around the house. They accommodate pumping and how sweaty I am (I can’t get over the sweating aspect… I have never been a sweater and now it’s all I do). I have the cotton ones so I can throw them in the wash.

(12) SKIMS SCOOP BRALETTE

I talked about this in my Youtube video but these have been my fave bras during pregnancy and postpartum, too.

(13) BY MALENE BIRGER DRESS

This is another great one! Easy to pump in but I feel cute and normal.

(14) THE ROW SCARF

I bought this in a weird moment but happy I did. I keep it in my bag and use it to cover myself when I pump or change at the hospital. Also, the color is really really beautiful!!

(15) ZOLOFT

I am so grateful that I opened up about my depression during my pregnancy and was ready to tackle postpartum as well. I met with my therapist the day after I was released from the hospital and that has truly been the most helpful thing.

(16) TEKLA BOXERS

I wear these to sleep but also out and about. I usually throw the striped ones on with a grey sweatshirt and black flip flops!

(17) INTIMISSIMI BRIEFS

I usually go for the Everlane underwear but they are backordered so I ordered these and love them. They are comfortable and on me, they sit higher than my incision so it feels sort of protective and my closet don’t rub against it. It isn’t the sexiest recommendation but they are great and comfortable.

(18) BYHEART WHOLE NUTRITION FORMULA

In addition to pumping, I have also been stocking up on formula from ByHeart. I am really trying my best to pump but ByHeart has a patented protein blend that gets closest to breast milk and the formula that all of my mom friends have recommended to me.

(1) KALLMAYER DRESS (2) PHOEBE PHILO SHORTS (3) ALAIA SHOES (4) SIEDRES SHIRT (5) MADEWELL CULOTTES (6) BANANA REPUBLIC TOP (7) COS DRESS (8) KHAITE CLOG (9) CASA SHOP BRACELET (10) DONNI SHORTS (11) SOEUR SUNGLASSES